Unfiled Missions
by obsessed1
Summary: Sheppard. Trade negotiation. When will these trade agreements end well? Shep Whump.


McKay hears footsteps approaching their hut. The door opens and he catches a glimpse of Sheppard's lanky frame as he attempts to close it quietly. No such luck. The door groans and then clunks into place and he hears Sheppard mutter a curse.

McKay's not only a light sleeper, but he cant fall asleep unless there is absolute silence. Now he's awake he knows he'll have to endure Sheppard doing that annoying 'trying to be quiet while he undresses' thing people do, which is equally as annoying than if they'd just got undressed normally.

He listens as Sheppard tiptoes over to his bed. McKay rolls onto his side, pulling the covers up over his shoulder to keep out the cold air Sheppard has brought in with him.

There are a few rustling sounds. Bed covers being pushed aside. Boots creaking on the floorboards. A heavy sigh. Then there is silence and McKay is vaguely aware that Sheppard is just standing in the middle of the darkened room.

Sheppard is probably shooting daggers at him. He'd had to stay behind to complete the trade negotiations while the rest of them had decided on an early night.

Well, that wasn't his fault.

McKay is just settling back into a 'I don't feel guilty at all' sleep when he hears something drop onto the floor and Sheppard shushes whatever it is. He winces. Was the man ever going to go to sleep?

Sheppard mumbles something indistinct, tries to pick whatever it was up, drops it again twice as loudly and then appears to be trying to stifle a laugh.

McKay can't imagine what's so funny. A light in the washroom snaps on and he closes his eyes and pulls the covers over his head. Water runs, Sheppard spits and coughs and then the lights go off again.

More creaking floorboards, a side table's knocked into and the bed groans. Now he's ripping through Velcro pockets. On the fourth one, McKay's had enough.

"Would you go to bed already?"

"Sorry," Sheppard whispers back.

"Where have you been anyway?" McKay illuminates his watch. It's 5am Atlantis time. Sheppard has been gone for eight hours. They're supposed to be getting up in two. "Did the ceremony take that long?"

McKay squints through the darkness at Sheppard's shadowy form.

"I went for a walk."

"A walk?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Just wanted to….walk. You know?"

"No, I don't know. Now, goodnight."

But Sheppard continues. "Had to get out of there. Those people were making me crazy."

"Just go to sleep before you wake Teyla and Ronon."

"Right. Sorry Rodney."

McKay closes his eyes. Sheppard is acting weirder than normal.

Silence descends on the room. He wants to sleep before he wakes up anymore and then can't sleep at all. But Sheppard hiccups loudly and then he's opening Velcro pockets again.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to get undressed."

McKay finally feels around the side table until he finds the lamp. He raises the lights slightly. Sheppard is sitting on the edge of his bed, soaking wet and staring at his vest as if it is some mind bending puzzle.

"I need some help…" Sheppard snorts out a laugh. "Can't seem to get…the clips on my vest….."

His hair is peppered with bits of leaves. His face is streaked with mud. There's a long scratch along his cheek. He looks like some kind of bog monster.

"I can't undo these," Sheppard tells him and then looks up.

"What the hell happened to you?" McKay whispers.

"Oh," Sheppard smiles. "I went for a swim as well."

And he says it deadpan. As if it were a perfectly normal activity for 5am.

"In your clothes?"

Sheppard nods.

McKay kicks back the covers and pads across the room. He can smell the alcohol and smoke before he gets to him. He pulls the zipper that's been giving Sheppard some trouble and helps him out of his tac vest.

"You're drunk," he says, carefully laying it on the floor.

Sheppard sits up straight and attempts sober. "No. I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No," he says, now trying to pull his radio out of the wrong ear. McKay plucks it out of the right ear and holds it up to him.

"What happened to never drinking off-world again?"

Sheppard places a finger to his lips in a 'shush' motion and ends up missing his mouth.

"You woke me up!" McKay hisses. "You be quiet!"

"I didn't drink anything," Sheppard says, reaching down to his boots. "Not a thing."

"Then why are you-" That's when McKay notices the size of Sheppard's pupils. "Your pupils are the size of dinner plates." Sheppard frowns. "Oh my god!" he lowers his voice a few decibels. "Oh my god! You're completely stoned."

Sheppard tries and fails to school his face into one of neutrality. "No, I'm not."

"Colonel….."

"I'm fine."

"What happened after we left?"

"You mean after you abandoned me. Nothing. We talked and talked and talked."

"And nothing strange happened?"

"I don't think so."

"Like you'd remember."

Sheppard kicks off his other boot and goes to stand.

"Where are you going?"

"I was going to go outside and get some air."

"There's air in here."

"Oh." Sheppard shrugs and sags onto the floor.

The move is anything but graceful and anything but quiet and soon Ronon and Teyla are both stirring in their beds.

"Rodney? John?" Teyla is the first to ask, already pulling on her BDU's under the covers.

Ronon rolls out of bed on full alert. "What?"

"It's fine. Everything's fine!" McKay announces.

Sheppard sits between all three of them and gazes up. "I'm fine."

Teyla crouches down beside Sheppard and places her hands either side of his face. She stares intently into his eyes. "John?"

Ronon is flexing his hands readily. "If they did anything to him, I'll kill them."

Teyla notices the wet clothes for the first time and shoots McKay a concerned look. "Why are you soaked through?"

"He went for a swim….in his clothes."

"John?"

Sheppard bats her hands away. "We agreed to trade and then-" he pauses, as if trying to remember.

"And?" Teyla pushed.

Sheppard snapped his fingers. "Cake. They had cake. And wine. I ate it and I left."

"They had cake?" McKay asks, disappointed and a little jealous.

"You…" Teyla rubs her forehead wearily. "You ate the cake?"

McKay disregards his aforementioned cake jealousy because what was wrong with the cake?

"And drank the wine."

"Oh John."

Sheppard pulls a face. "What?"

"Was the 'cake' brown with yellow flecks?"

"I dunno. I just-" Sheppard leans into Teyla's shoulder and is suddenly fascinated with her hair. "There was a lot of talking and I was hungry."

"What is it?" Ronon asks.

Teyla tries to steady Sheppard as she speaks. "The cake and the wine. It is merely a symbol for fulfilling the trade agreement. The cake combines a small portion of their produce pulped together. One of which is Schenga root, which I believe is…particularly potent."

"You've got to be kidding me?" McKay says.

"And the wine is a dram of each of their spirits from the distillery. John, you should not have eaten or drank the-"

Sheppard sighs. "Who gives out cake if they don't want you to eat the cake?" He looks between them. "It's cake!"

"Perhaps you misunderstood the Chieftain's instructions?"

"I did kind of zone out towards the end," Sheppard admits sliding back onto the floor.

Teyla retrieves her boots. "I will go and get some Gela seed. It should counteract the effects of the root."

"And what are we supposed to do with him?" McKay asks.

Teyla smiles fondly, "Ronon, Rodney you must get John out of those wet clothes."

And then she was stepping out into the night and the cold was back. McKay looks longingly at his bed and then to the reason he's not in it.

"So, how do you want to play this? Top or bottom?" McKay asks and then promptly blushes. "I mean-"

Ronon didn't get the insinuation. "Top."

Sheppard notices that they were both standing over him and tells them, "You can leave me here."

"No we can't. You'll get hypothermia or something." McKay reaches for Sheppard's wrist.

"I feel fine. Hot and toasty."

McKay bends down to feel his forehead. "He's burning up."

"Probably the drugs. Or the dunk in the river." Ronon grins.

"This isn't funny."

"Sorry. I can go if you want?"

"No Sheppard…..just…" McKay sighs. "We need to get you changed."

Sheppard groans and holds out his hands.

They both help Sheppard into a standing position that consists of him leaning into both of them, and then drag his feet across the floor until they reach the bed.

His body seems to have lost tone. He's all floppy and uncoordinated and McKay has to keep straightening his shoulders to stop him from toppling over.

Ronon towels Sheppard's hair off, while McKay starts pulling off his wet socks.

Sheppard just sits there, staring into space, tripping happily.

"You owe us big time," McKay rants. "It's bad enough that you woke me, but now you're making us undress you."

"Shut it McKay."

"Ronon, how many times have we all agreed not to touch, eat, or even smell off-world tokens? Remember the Laskian rind?"

Ronon smiles tightly. "Thought we were never mentioning that again?"

Sheppard's pants are stuck to his legs so pulling them off is a logistical nightmare that ends with him getting slapped in the face by the soggy material. Sheppard had insisted on removing his t-shirt, but when it got stuck over his head Ronon pulled him free.

"It wasn't my fault," Sheppard tells them. "It was cake."

"I'd have eaten it," Ronon assures him.

"Exactly," Sheppard points dramatically. "He would have eaten it. And you know why? Because the Daedalus never brings us cake."

"They have been bringing us a lot of lemon meringue and jello cups these days." McKay agrees and then says. "What am I saying? We can't blame Caldwell for this!"

Sheppard hiccups.

By the time Teyla returns Sheppard is down to his boxers and one of McKay's spare t-shirts. Teyla hands him a tea with pulpled seeds in it and he drinks it in one go.

"Let's get you to bed," Teyla says, pulling the covers aside.

Sheppard crawls into the space she has created and lies back.

"Room's spinning," he slurs.

Ronon leans over to place his handgun on the side table and Sheppard flicks his dreds. Ronon shoots him an aggrieved look. "Get some sleep buddy."

"Okay buddy."

McKay clambers back into his bed. Teyla does the same and the lights are turned low.

"You know…" Sheppard says into the darkness. "You guys…you're the…..best."

There's a joint sigh and then they all say at the same time. "Go to sleep!"

"I think you're great. The best. I l-"

"If you say you love us, I will beat you to death with a pillow."

"Ah." Sheppard rolls over and laughs. "Love you too Rodney."

The morning after….

McKay, Ronon and Teyla are eating their breakfast outside in the sunshine when Sheppard staggers from their room, tac vest open, pants hiked up over his un-laced boots and hair in utter disarray. He plonks down onto one of the vacant chairs and searches his pockets for his sunglasses, pulling out a few twigs and leaves before finding them. He looks utterly miserable.

"How are you feeling this morning, John?" Teyla asks.

"I can't remember what happened last night and let me just say that I don't want to know. Okay?"

McKay pushes over a bowl that Sheppard pushes back.

"Not hungry." He groans. "Okay, what did I do?"

"Nothing," Ronon says, grinning.

"Nothing too embarrassing," McKay says.

"You do not remember anything?" Teyla asks, picking a leaf out of his hair.

"I remember the trade talks being pretty dull."

"And nothing beyond that?"

"No Teyla."

Ronon claps him on the shoulder and Sheppard winces. "Don't worry buddy. But, you might want to clear out your travel pack before we head out today though."

"Why?"

"There wasn't a waste basket nearby," McKay says with a smug smile.

Sheppard rubs at his head. "I didn't." Then he says, "I don't want to know."

"We still going to those ruins today?" McKay asks.

Sheppard grunts. "S'pose so."

"Ah, cheer up. It shouldn't take too long. It'll be a cake walk."

Ronon cough/laughs into his fist and Teyla is trying to keep her smile straight.

Sheppard narrows his eyes. "We leave in an hour. I'm going to grab another hour's sleep."

"Just make sure you go straight there this time," Teyla tells him.

He gives a strange look. "It's right over there."

"Yes, no detours colonel!" McKay agrees. "And if you have a shower, remember to take all your clothes off this time."

Sheppard turns and rolls his eyes. "I get it. I made a fool of myself. Can we all act like adults here? Please?"

Teyla looks remorseful. "I am sorry, John. We shall stop teasing you."

"Thank you, Teyla." He says. "Besides…" and he smiles. " I can't have been half as bad as when you three ate that root."

"Do the words never again mean nothing to you?" Ronon snaps.

"Write anything about this in our mission report and I'll go back and amend my recount of _that_ mission."

"He wouldn't," McKay says, turning to Teyla.

"No," she says.

"He wouldn't dare," Ronon agrees.

Sheppard turns to leave. "Oh I would. I'd lay it completely bare. Give Woolsey the whole naked truth."


End file.
